Strength

It seems like everyday we look for strength. Some people need strength to get out of bed and go to the job they hate.  Others require strength to tackle a project they've been procrastinating.  And some simply need the physical variety.

Since our loss of Leo (still born in July at 8 months), I've been specifically asking him for strength.  It's as if by virtue of his ephemeral physical presence the power of his absence is vastly amplified.  Rather than a low wattage current running through me, his life is a lighting bolt that has permanently electrified my soul.  I am not religious, but I am spiritual.  I don't ask God for help, answers, or forgiveness.  I had come to believe that if I want any of those things that I must to do something to merit it.  However, since Leo's passing, I now find myself looking to him, and for him to lend me the strength I both desire and need.

My alarm went off at 6am yesterday - a Sunday - a day traditionally meant for rest, for sleeping in.  And while many still were, I had the dawn to myself.  I had 22 miles to run in preparation for my first marathon (The Baystate in Lowell, MA on October 18th).  It was a cool 52 degrees, foggy, rainy.  I drank a cup of hot black coffee, ate a single piece of whole grain toast with strawberry jam and quietly patted the floor as I gathered items for my bipedal trek.  I filled up my water bottles, stashed my Gu packs, and put my MP3 player in a plastic baggy to keep it dry.  In silence, I applied band-aids to my nipples so they wouldn't chafe and bleed.   I applied Glide - a vaseline like roll-on - on my inner thighs and on the soles of my feet to prevent chaffing and blistering (too much information, I realize). I strapped my Garmin Forerunner GPS watch to my wrist and drove the few miles to Putnam, CT.  I'd plotted an 22 mile course down RT. 12 and back, which winds through the formerly prosperous mill towns of Putnam, Killingly, and Danielson.  It roughly parallels the Quinebaug River and the railroad tracks that connect Norwich to Worcester, but upon which few trains still roll.


View 22 miler in a larger map

As I set off through the deserted streets of Putnam south toward the surrounding greener fields, a cool mist lingered low to the ground and nestled next to the hillsides.  A light drizzle fell and with the exception of an occasional car it was just me and the two lane road.

I took in the quietude and let my mind wander.  Soon I felt that Leo was with me.  Or rather, I asked that he join me.  I've taken to spending time with him on these long runs.  I ask him to give me strength, to help me on my journey.  I ask him to come forth from nature - from the mist, from the green (and now red and orange) of the leaves, and from the breeze.  I ask Leo to fill my lungs with oxygen, my legs with power, and my mind with stillness.  It's not a constant conversation, but as my thoughts drift from topic to topic, often too quickly for me to hold on to any for long, he occasionally returns to run alongside.  He'll wander off for a time and then sometimes - like yesterday morning - he slams into my chest like a linebacker.

At mile marker 8.34 (I looked at my Garmin to note it), near the Civil War Statue that welcomes you to Danielson, Leo came directly at me, forcefully, with no warning or discernible precipitation.  The power of his presence was as visceral as the day he came and went and brought me to the precipice of collapse. He brought on powerful tears of grief and caused me to gulp for air.  I continued to run, my breath short, my face contorted.   And I welcomed the sadness that overfilled my heart, pain that while intense somehow provides comfort in at least letting you know you're alive.  The severity didn't last long (.16 miles to be exact), fleeing as quickly as it came, but it was an abrupt reminder that for as 'normal' as most of my days are, the ache of the loss I feel for Leo hasn't substantially dissipated.

When my patience is thin, when I'm anxious or short tempered, when I am aimless and restless I feel certain it's rooted predominantly in my grief.  My sorrow waits inside me, waits and waits, and then pounces fiercely on my unsuspecting consciousness.  Leo, Leo, Leo.  Physically absent and wholly present; sometimes a cause of acute paralysis and at others the source of tremendous strength.  I welcome you in whatever form you choose to appear.

The Chronicles, No. 3

Greetings from Pomfret, Connecticut. 

In the span of the 12 days since my last entry we/I:

• Packed and inventoried the contents of exactly 100 boxes.
• Ran two road races.

• Unpacked and found new places for the contents of exactly 100 boxes.
• Ran a 21+ mile marathon training run.
• Arranged and rearranged several pieces of reasonably heavy furniture.
• Hosted two family dinners.
• Spent countless uneasy hours listening to Max cry himself to sleep while he adjusts to his new home.
• Got Max off to his first day at his new day care.

• And perhaps most importantly, set up the internet connection in our home.

While these are all worthy and necessary efforts, none of them means nearly as much to me as the feeling of simply being here.  I stand taller and breathe more deeply.

The breeze blows the absolute sweetest scent of blackberries through the air - so strong you'd swear it was the cloying odor of a Yankee Candle.  But, my God, it's just the smell of berries!  

I took a deliciously fresh bite of an apple - from a tree in the backyard. 

Jogging these roads, I can clock quarters of a mile between the houses - if I can see them at all through the trees or over the crests of the intervening hills.  The ubiquitous hills afford magnificent panoramas of the fields, forests, and farm houses that dot the Pomfret and surrounding towns' landscape.  Running them is tough on my muscles which had grown accustomed to flatter terrain.  And while we live on a Connecticut designated scenic route you don't need a state or a sign to tell you what you can simply see.

When we went to the local post office the other day, the postal worker was not only friendly, but recognized Linda's last name.  "Oh, you're Nick and Polly's daughter.  Welcome to Pomfret!"

Max has seen his Grandma more in the past week combined than he had in the past several months.  He also gets to go to "Bampa's" house to see his motorcycle.  Max also enjoys picking flowers in the field behind our house.

As yet there is no such thing as 'traffic.'

The morning air is cool; the grass drenched in dew. Crisp autumn leaves flutter to the ground and swirl behind the cars speeding down the empty road.

Idyllic as it is, peaceful as it is, there is a certain restlessness that continues to linger.  I know it will take a few more weeks of unpacking and settling in before I can truly relax and focus on the larger questions that have yet to be answered.  Now that we are here, how will we actually go about shaping the life we want to lead?  And practically speaking, how will we finance it?  Will outer peace facilitate the inner peace I seek?  What compromises will have to be made?  

And perhaps the most stultifying question asked everyday about an hour too late:  What should we have for dinner?

But for now we just have to figure out where to keep our shoes, some winter coats, and the clothes that used to fit Max, that fit him now, and that will fit him in the months to come.

I'll be able to write with more frequency in the coming days so stay tuned.  

A Remembrance

On September 10th, 2001 I was working in Toronto, Ontario for EF Foundation for Foreign Study.  I'd spent the better part of the summer in Canada finding homes for high school aged foreign exchange students.  It was a monumental effort to find homes for every student and required several weeks of long days and nights of work.  Around 10pm that night we found a home for the last student.  We were relieved and elated and in the mood to celebrate.  We went out to several bars and had more than a few drinks.  I fell into bed in the early morning for a few hours of sleep.  I was scheduled fly to Boston later that morning.

I awoke shortly after 8am on September 11th, severely hungover, to a crystal blue sky and a cool, crisp day.  I sloppily packed my suitcase and trudged toward our Bloor Street office.  I stopped at a Starbucks shortly before 9am oblivious to what had occurred just minutes prior.  Exhausted and bleary-eyed, I was simply focused on going to the office for a few hours and catching a taxi to the airport to finally go home.  When I got to my desk, I logged into my computer.  AOL Instant Messenger automatically logged me in and at precisely 9:09:31am a friend sent me a message, "YO!"  

This was when and how I learned that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center.  There was no television at the office for me to watch.  The internet was jammed.  Cell phone service to the US was spotty at best.  And office phones soon began to ring steadily with calls from all over Canada and from EF offices all over the world wondering about the status of students who were slated to travel that day.  I was, for a time, the only person there to field those calls and was confined to my desk.  The only information I was able to get about what was happening in New York, DC, and PA came from the instant messages I was getting from my friend.  As you might recall, there were a lot of false rumors being reported; much of the information being provided was sketchy.  I remember when he told me that a tower had collapsed.  I couldn't begin to comprehend what that even meant.  Collapsed?!

It wasn't until later that evening when I finally got settled into my new hotel room that I saw the footage of what I'd been hearing about all day.  Surreal doesn't begin to describe it.  Even today words fail.  I obviously didn't fly to Boston that day.  I was grounded in Toronto.  After several days I was allowed to fly to Montreal from where I took a bus to St. Albans, VT.  Crossing over the border into the United States we had to disembark from the bus and show our passports to the border agents stationed there.  There were soldiers positioned out front with automatic weapons.  From St. Albans I took an Amtrak train to Springfield, MA.  As the train rumbled south through rural Vermont, there were American flags draped from nearly every house and every car I could see.  Those flags unlocked my pent up emotions and I wept both with the joy I felt in being back in my home country and for the magnitude of the collective sadness.  From the train station I took a taxi to a rental car and finally drove home to Boston.

What follows below is the verbatim transcript of the instant message exchange (complete with swears, off the cuff speculation, and typos).  For privacy, I've changed my friend's name to "Friend"):

Friend (9:09:31 AM): YO!

Friend (9:09:39 AM): you see news

DaveRing1969 (9:09:40 AM): you rang!

Friend (9:09:44 AM): yeah

Friend (9:09:50 AM): you see nyc news?

Friend (9:10:00 AM): two planes crashed into world trade ctr

DaveRing1969 (9:10:01 AM): you rang?

Friend (9:10:12 AM): yes

Friend (9:10:16 AM): find a tv

DaveRing1969 (9:10:27 AM): no!

DaveRing1969 (9:10:32 AM): when!

Friend (9:10:37 AM): 15 min ago

Friend (9:10:43 AM): you must find a tv

DaveRing1969 signed off at 9:15:11 AM.

DaveRing1969 signed on at 9:15:53 AM.

Friend (9:26:55 AM): yo

Friend (9:27:02 AM): cnn says that one plane was from bos

Friend (9:27:06 AM): 767

Friend (9:27:36 AM): AA

DaveRing1969 (9:35:19 AM): shitting me?

DaveRing1969 (9:35:22 AM): hijacked?

DaveRing1969 (9:35:25 AM): shit.

DaveRing1969 (9:38:37 AM): more updates - I got nothing here - cnn 

crashed - too many hti,s I suspect?

Friend (9:40:10 AM): ok

Friend (9:40:15 AM): yes...hijacked'

Friend (9:40:27 AM): "significant fire" at pentagon

Friend (9:40:30 AM): cause unknown

DaveRing1969 (9:40:36 AM): one was AA 767, what was other?

Friend (9:40:38 AM): looking at lots of smoke from the area

Friend (9:40:43 AM): not sure of other plane

Friend (9:41:00 AM): also...reports of fire on the mall in dc

Friend (9:41:12 AM): white house has been evacuated

Friend (9:41:19 AM): bush is in fla

DaveRing1969 (9:41:21 AM): on the mall?

Friend (9:41:25 AM): yes, the mall

Friend (9:41:32 AM): so here's synopsis

Friend (9:41:42 AM): 2 planes crash into wtc

Friend (9:41:47 AM): big fire at pentagon

Friend (9:41:55 AM): reports of fire on mall in dc

Friend (9:42:01 AM): white house evacuated

Friend (9:43:09 AM): getting reports taht a plane crashed in to 

pentagon

Friend (9:44:18 AM): reports are sketchy, but people are saying 

that "something"...possibly a helicopter...crashed in to pentagon

Friend (9:44:45 AM): HUGE amounts of smoke in dc

DaveRing1969 (9:45:10 AM): jesus

DaveRing1969 (9:45:12 AM): fucking scary

Friend (9:45:16 AM): crazy

Friend (9:45:32 AM): stay in canada

DaveRing1969 (9:45:34 AM): any news where the AA flight was bound for?

Friend (9:45:37 AM): no

DaveRing1969 (9:45:38 AM): no shit.

Friend (9:45:42 AM): nyse closed for day

Friend (9:45:56 AM): all air travel in us has come to a halt

Friend (9:46:03 AM): no planes flying today

Friend (9:46:07 AM): you may be stuck

DaveRing1969 (9:46:17 AM): ALL air travel?

Friend (9:46:26 AM): all us airports are closed right now

Friend (9:46:43 AM): all bridges and tunnels in to/out of nyc 

also closed

Friend (9:46:50 AM): this is tom clancy shit

DaveRing1969 (9:46:52 AM): Jeuss

DaveRing1969 (9:46:55 AM): Jesus

Friend (9:47:19 AM): all flights cancelled for 7 hours

Friend (9:47:32 AM): it may be extended beyond that

Friend (9:48:04 AM): this is unbelievable

DaveRing1969 (9:48:15 AM): freaky

Friend (9:48:29 AM): no tv's there?

DaveRing1969 (9:48:34 AM): every site I try to access is down.

DaveRing1969 (9:48:42 AM): yeah, one canadian station.

Friend (9:48:43 AM): overloaded

DaveRing1969 (9:48:51 AM): fuzzy - no cable

Friend (9:49:20 AM): cnn now reporting that it was a plane that 

crashed in to pentagon

DaveRing1969 (9:49:32 AM): a big one

DaveRing1969 (9:49:36 AM): I don't like this

Friend (9:50:15 AM): capitol bldg being evacuated too

DaveRing1969 (9:50:28 AM): feel violated

Friend (9:50:40 AM): no shit

DaveRing1969 (9:51:28 AM): going to check outy tv

Friend (9:51:30 AM): now they're saying that at first white house 

evacuation was orderly (like one of their frequent bomb threats)...then 

it became somewhat

panicked...secret service ordered people to run

DaveRing1969 (9:51:37 AM): keep posting updates if you get stuff

Friend (9:51:40 AM): aiight

Friend (9:55:17 AM): huge cascade of smoke from wtc

Friend (9:55:31 AM): can't tell what the hell is happening

Friend (9:55:46 AM): just got report of fire at state department

Friend (9:56:17 AM): part of south tower of wtc has collapsed

Friend (9:56:20 AM): apparently

DaveRing1969 (9:56:53 AM): jesus

Friend (9:57:34 AM): south tower of wtc collapsed...not all the 

way to ground, but

Friend (9:57:49 AM): it looked like one of those building 

implosions on discovery channe

Friend (9:58:03 AM): too much smoke, debris, dust to see anything

Friend (9:58:23 AM): watching replay  of collapse

Friend (9:58:27 AM): indesribable

Friend (9:58:31 AM): unbelievable

DaveRing1969 (9:59:05 AM): any mention of how many people died in 

Oklahoma city and are they talking about the same scale here?

Friend (9:59:34 AM): not much talk of that....it's basically a 

lot of cluelessness.

Friend (9:59:41 AM): no one's sure what's going on

Friend (10:00:11 AM): chicago's sears tower evacuated

Friend (10:00:30 AM): south tower of wtc may not exist after today

DaveRing1969 (10:00:41 AM): fucking crazy

Friend (10:01:32 AM): 2 people jumped from south wtc just before 

it collapsed

Friend (10:01:53 AM): cop guessed that there were at least 200 

people on ground before collapse

Friend (10:02:32 AM): 1 inch thick ash on streets of nyc near 

wtc...dust everywhere

Friend (10:02:35 AM): looks like volcano

DaveRing1969 (10:02:50 AM): speechless

Friend (10:02:53 AM): people are covered w/ dust....

Friend (10:03:10 AM): me too

Friend (10:03:16 AM): so are newscasters

Friend (10:03:17 AM): crazy

Friend (10:03:27 AM): you should see these people in nyc

Friend (10:03:31 AM): totally covered

Friend (10:03:36 AM): w ash and dust

Friend (10:04:25 AM): wash dc is in a ready for attack 

state....circling f-16's

Friend (10:04:32 AM): army on street

Friend (10:04:34 AM): w/ guns

Friend (10:05:10 AM): you there?

Friend (10:05:55 AM): aa flight 11....bos to lax....745

Friend (10:07:23 AM): "great deal of activity near supreme court"

Friend (10:07:25 AM): unsure

Friend (10:07:46 AM): TONS of smoke from pentagon

Friend (10:08:11 AM): pictures from manhattan are 

un-fucking-believable

DaveRing1969 (10:08:13 AM): yeah

Friend (10:08:16 AM): looks like war zone

Friend (10:08:36 AM): you reporting this to anyone

Friend (10:08:38 AM): else

DaveRing1969 (10:08:56 AM): listening to stuff on radio

Friend (10:09:15 AM): have you seen any pictures yet

DaveRing1969 (10:09:20 AM): no

DaveRing1969 (10:09:25 AM): none

Friend (10:09:31 AM): yahoo...has pic of wtc

Friend (10:10:38 AM): reports that a third plane caused the wtc 

collapse

Friend (10:10:53 AM): try to find howard stern on radio

Friend (10:11:25 AM): just got report of explosion on capitol hill

Friend (10:12:03 AM): chaos

DaveRing1969 (10:12:20 AM): dumbfounded

Friend (10:14:14 AM): hancock bldg, pru, one financial ctr 

evacuated

DaveRing1969 (10:14:16 AM): yahoo down

DaveRing1969 (10:14:22 AM): every number I call is busy

Friend (10:14:25 AM): yep

DaveRing1969 (10:14:26 AM): total chaos

Friend (10:15:12 AM): reports that 7 planes were hijacked this 

morning...only 3 are accounted for

Friend (10:15:20 AM): that's big speculation though

DaveRing1969 (10:15:25 AM): my god

Friend (10:17:22 AM): there are going to be thousands dead

Friend (10:17:58 AM): many nyc hospitals already full

DaveRing1969 (10:20:13 AM): thanks for keeping me posted

Friend (10:21:14 AM): still can't see wtc tower through smoke, 

but peopla are saying it has collapsed almost to groung

Friend (10:21:17 AM): ground

DaveRing1969 (10:21:28 AM): the whole thing?

Friend (10:21:37 AM): all flights to us diverted to canadian 

airports

Friend (10:21:54 AM): yes, the whole thing

Friend (10:22:32 AM): explosion at capitol bldg

Friend (10:22:39 AM): possible car bomb at state dept

Friend (10:22:43 AM): again,

Friend (10:22:51 AM): these are all unconfirmed reports

Friend (10:23:07 AM): this is pearl harbor

Friend (10:24:47 AM): watching replay of collapse...it appears 

that the bldg doesn't exist anymore

Friend (10:24:59 AM): holy shit

Friend (10:25:06 AM): BOTH towers have now collapsed

DaveRing1969 (10:25:16 AM): what?

Friend (10:25:27 AM): world trade center is down

Friend (10:25:32 AM): both

Friend (10:26:05 AM): this is unfucking believable

Friend (10:26:08 AM): incredulous

Friend (10:26:24 AM): both towers are absolutely gone

Friend (10:26:28 AM): out of control

Friend (10:26:47 AM): lower manhattan entirely consumed by 

dust/smoke

Friend (10:27:07 AM): gimme a call

Friend (10:27:10 AM): this is crazy

Friend (10:27:48 AM): that second tower entirely collapsed on 

itself...exactly like a planned demolition

DaveRing1969 (10:28:08 AM): wow

Friend (10:28:13 AM): call me

DaveRing1969 (10:28:13 AM): calls not going through

Friend (10:28:16 AM): fuck

Friend (10:28:37 AM): yeah...i can't get you either

Friend (10:28:46 AM): do you have a toronto #?

DaveRing1969 (10:29:15 AM): 416-927-7505x230

Friend (10:29:17 AM): there seem to be a lot of sirens around the 

cambridge area too

Friend (10:29:59 AM): nothing going through

Friend (10:30:33 AM): fyi...50,000 people work in wtc

DaveRing1969 (10:31:47 AM): what time did the first/2nd plane hit?

Friend (10:31:56 AM): ap is reporting car bombing at state dept.

Friend (10:32:13 AM): i think at about 8:45, then 9:05 ish

Friend (10:32:23 AM): my dad called me at about 905 to tell me

DaveRing1969 (10:33:03 AM): right

Friend (10:33:17 AM): just got report that a 747 went down in 

pennsylvania

Friend (10:33:20 AM): very unconfirmed

DaveRing1969 (10:33:32 AM): ok

Friend (10:33:45 AM): we're going to have to nuke someone for this

Friend (10:33:51 AM): this is going to change our lives

DaveRing1969 (10:33:52 AM): tons of cell phone towers were on top of WTC

Friend (10:33:57 AM): right

DaveRing1969 (10:34:02 AM): it already has......

Friend (10:34:06 AM): radio towers too, etc

DaveRing1969 (10:34:09 AM): fee; socl

DaveRing1969 (10:34:14 AM): feel sick

Friend (10:34:18 AM): me too

DaveRing1969 signed off at 10:34:21 AM.

DaveRing1969 signed on at 10:34:53 AM.

Friend (10:34:59 AM): dude!

DaveRing1969 (10:35:07 AM): no shit

Friend (10:35:27 AM): so...you don't have much work to do today?

Friend (10:36:29 AM): apparently plane that crashed in to 

pentagon was 737

DaveRing1969 (10:36:35 AM): well, yes and no - no placing kids - again 

we finished, but many were to fly, so have to figure out what happened.

DaveRing1969 (10:36:42 AM): or what will

Friend (10:36:50 AM): breaking news

Friend (10:37:03 AM): pentagon is monitoring second suspected 

hijacked plane

DaveRing1969 (10:37:32 AM): wonder if they would shoot it down to 

prevent worse happening>

DaveRing1969 (10:37:33 AM): ?

Friend (10:37:43 AM): in this case, they might have to

DaveRing1969 (10:38:12 AM): my mom is on the phone

Friend (10:38:24 AM): hi susan

DaveRing1969 (10:38:26 AM): sister with daughter at school

Friend (10:38:31 AM): fuck

DaveRing1969 (10:39:04 AM): john is at his school

DaveRing1969 (10:39:13 AM): nephew

Friend (10:42:03 AM): large plane crashed just north of 

pittsburgh, earlier this morning...confirmes

DaveRing1969 (10:43:05 AM): earlier?

Friend (10:43:19 AM): not sure what time

Friend (10:43:39 AM): 2nd aircraft circling pentagon

Friend (10:43:53 AM): at least one f-16 there now

Friend (10:44:04 AM): 60 foot section of pentagon has collapsed

Friend (10:44:11 AM): where earlier plane crashed

DaveRing1969 (10:45:33 AM): what the fuck

Friend (10:46:30 AM): stern is decent to listen to if you can 

find him

Friend (10:46:39 AM): playing a lot of local coverage

Friend (10:47:01 AM): watching different footage of wtc collapse 

now

Friend (10:47:07 AM): speechless

Friend (10:47:22 AM): wtc does not exist anymore

Friend (10:48:29 AM): hearing reports that pittsburgh crash may 

not be related to all this

Friend (10:48:35 AM): i can't imagine how it's not

DaveRing1969 (10:49:32 AM): in some way.

Friend (10:49:56 AM): right...they're saying if not directly, it 

may have something to do w/ air traffic control system

Friend (10:50:40 AM): you must see these buildings 

collapse...it's straight out of hollywood

DaveRing1969 (10:50:55 AM): I am sure I will -

DaveRing1969 (10:50:57 AM): eventually

DaveRing1969 (10:51:08 AM): I nearly started crying talking to my mom.

Friend (10:51:24 AM): i've gotten choked up a number of times

Friend (10:51:35 AM): i sort of wish that i was at srs right now

Friend (10:52:11 AM): fuck

Friend (10:52:30 AM): this is putting a little crimp in my 

"attack"

DaveRing1969 (10:53:47 AM): attack suspended

Friend (10:53:54 AM): breaking news

Friend (10:54:03 AM): a united airlines flight has crashed at 

camp david

Friend (10:54:15 AM): in vicinity of, or at camp david

Friend (10:55:54 AM): heads of state, primary officials of us are 

being moved, hidden, etc

Friend (10:56:39 AM): giuliani on

Friend (10:56:52 AM): just urging people to get out of ny

Friend (10:56:58 AM): especially south of canal st.

Friend (10:57:21 AM): wish you were here

DaveRing1969 (10:57:35 AM): yeah dude

DaveRing1969 (10:57:36 AM): wjere

DaveRing1969 (10:57:42 AM): where is Andy

Friend (10:57:45 AM): he's here

Friend (10:57:47 AM): called in

Friend (10:57:59 AM): said that people at vw were just watching 

tv anyway

DaveRing1969 (10:58:01 AM): how do they get out of NY?

Friend (10:58:22 AM): basically he just instructed people to go 

uptown

Friend (10:58:29 AM): can't get out of nyc

Friend (10:58:49 AM): see any pics yet?

Friend (10:59:02 AM): are you getting info anywhere other than me?

DaveRing1969 (10:59:04 AM): no dude, I am also working

DaveRing1969 (10:59:11 AM): figuring out what's going on with our kids

DaveRing1969 (10:59:19 AM): radio and you

Friend (10:59:23 AM): nice

Friend (10:59:38 AM): cnn now has titles:  America Under Attack

Friend (10:59:45 AM): Fox too: Day of Terror

Friend (11:00:38 AM): breaking news

Friend (11:00:47 AM): hijacked plane circling Dulles

Friend (11:01:06 AM): reports are now that 8 planes have been 

hijacked...5 accounted for

Friend (11:03:52 AM): news;

Friend (11:04:09 AM): camp david attack/crash is not true

DaveRing1969 (11:04:41 AM): it's hard to feel relief.

Friend (11:04:50 AM): faa is getting repeated reports of hijacked 

planes

Friend (11:05:44 AM): typically, at 11am est, there are 4000 

flights in air over us...at this moment, there are under 100...many 

being diverted to canada and/or

ordered to land immediately

Friend (11:06:05 AM): fighter jets circling lower manhattan

Friend (11:06:29 AM): flying very high

Friend (11:08:18 AM): hmm...my phone has switched to analog mode

Friend (11:12:37 AM): boston seems to be shutting down

Friend (11:12:48 AM): city and state workers being sent home

Friend (11:12:56 AM): financial district being evacuated

Friend (11:13:08 AM): umass boston, harvard univ cancelling 

classes

Friend (11:13:31 AM): barricades placed at uss constitution

DaveRing1969 (11:14:42 AM): right

DaveRing1969 (11:14:54 AM): wow?

Friend (11:14:59 AM): yes, wow

Friend (11:17:10 AM): hearing reports of explosion at embassy 

suites near battery park

DaveRing1969 (11:19:57 AM): getting lots of calls from HFs

DaveRing1969 (11:20:10 AM): Saunders

Friend (11:20:26 AM): saying what?

DaveRing1969 (11:21:47 AM): It's entirely possible it will take a good 

week to get everything back to normal, if that is possible.  Never 

before has there been a mass

grounding in the US.  Judging by what happens after a snow storm and 

that is one or two airports top, this is going to take a very long time 

to clean up.  There will be

planes in the completely wrong places. Not to mention the pilots will 

be getting into rest time issues.

This could take a month to clean up, so no I think that Vancouver is 

being a little dreamy.

Brian

Friend (11:22:22 AM): right

Friend (11:22:40 AM): you better get used to yyz

Friend (11:22:54 AM): probably a better place to be than here

Friend (11:23:09 AM): no car bomb at state dept

Friend (11:25:19 AM): breaking news

Friend (11:25:38 AM): police are reporting a plane flying up 

potomac river at high rate of speed

DaveRing1969 (11:25:49 AM): commercial?

Friend (11:25:55 AM): unknown

Friend (11:26:00 AM): just a report

Friend (11:26:36 AM): i can't fucking believe that the wtc has 

collapsed

Friend (11:27:07 AM): jesus

DaveRing1969 (11:27:22 AM): what happens now?

Friend (11:27:35 AM): gotta figure out who did it

Friend (11:27:39 AM): then retaliate

Friend (11:27:44 AM): war?

DaveRing1969 (11:28:17 AM): draft?

Friend (11:28:27 AM): if it's from middle east...we will probably 

crush them...and then own them...long run: gas prices go down

Friend (11:28:33 AM): draft...naah

DaveRing1969 (11:28:39 AM): why not?

Friend (11:28:41 AM): don't need that anymore

DaveRing1969 (11:28:45 AM): why not?

Friend (11:28:49 AM): we don't fight on the ground anymore

DaveRing1969 (11:28:57 AM): right

Friend (11:29:13 AM): it's a small organization that's 

responsible for this

Friend (11:29:21 AM): we'll be able to beat them easily

Friend (11:29:51 AM): cnn talking about a "catastrophic" loss of 

life

Friend (11:30:42 AM): some retired army general saying that we 

will go to full-scale war based on this

Friend (11:31:10 AM): helicopters patrolling air space over wdc

Friend (11:31:24 AM): lots of smoke still coming from pentagon

Friend (11:31:59 AM): occasional news helicopter over our apt

Friend (11:32:02 AM): many sirens

Friend (11:32:36 AM): not sure if there's more sirens than usual, 

but they're definitely more apparent

Friend (11:34:26 AM): breaking news

Friend (11:34:58 AM): UA is concerned about flight 175...bos to 

lax...UA is unaware of status of that flight

DaveRing1969 (11:35:17 AM): how is this reported

Friend (11:35:18 AM): UA flight 93 from EWR to SFO crashed near 

PIT

Friend (11:37:16 AM): breaking news

Friend (11:37:27 AM): getting very preliminary reports

Friend (11:38:02 AM): of islamic jihad group accepting 

responsibility based on us policy in middle east

DaveRing1969 (11:40:27 AM): if I don't reply, I am working, but I read 

everything you write

Friend (11:40:37 AM): logan airport briefing just started

Friend (11:40:46 AM): cnn and everywhere else carrying it

Friend (11:51:43 AM): UA flight 175...bos to lax....has gone 

down--says cnn....unsure where

DaveRing1969 (11:53:04 AM): fucking psychos

Friend (11:54:15 AM): out of control

Friend (11:54:33 AM): andy and i are hoping that steve martin was 

not on one of those lax bound flights from bos

Friend (11:54:43 AM): he was in bos yesterday

Friend (11:55:16 AM): second lost aa flight, #77, was dulles to 

lax

Friend (11:55:26 AM): us/mexican border has been sealed

Friend (11:55:53 AM): not sure if there's a specific reason for 

that, or if it's just part of national crisis plan

DaveRing1969 (11:56:34 AM): you know, I know you can't prevent psychos 

from killing themselves on shit like this, but you'd think that we'd 

have prevented 'some of

this' and if we did know, you'd think that Bush wouldn't be in 

Sarasota, FL.

Friend (11:56:38 AM): cnn reports that all principals of us gov't 

are safe

Friend (11:57:08 AM): i don't see how plane could crash in to 

pentagon

Friend (11:57:49 AM): i was in dc when ok city was bombed...as 

soon as it happened there were fighter jets circling city...and 

everything was closed...i was

evacuated from union station

DaveRing1969 (11:58:32 AM): I recall

Friend (11:59:01 AM): pataki on cnn now

Friend (11:59:07 AM): 'course he's in albany

Friend (11:59:17 AM): he doesn't have much info

Friend (11:59:25 AM): no one seems to have any info

DaveRing1969 (11:59:36 AM): sears tower hit?

Friend (11:59:45 AM): i haven't heard that....you?

Friend (12:00:09 PM): it was evacuated quite a while ago

DaveRing1969 (12:00:10 PM): inge heard on dutch website -

DaveRing1969 (12:00:13 PM): maybe wrong

Friend (12:00:37 PM): no...i haven't heard that yet...but i still 

don't know where that UA 175 went down

Friend (12:02:17 PM): us joint forces in VA have put the atlantic 

fleet (our largest military fleet) under threat condition 

"delta"...that's the highest threat

condition....that's what the military goes to when they perceive an act 

of war

Friend (12:05:58 PM): giuliani says "tremendous number of lives 

lost"

DaveRing1969 (12:06:22 PM): how many can it be?  how many thousands?

Friend (12:07:00 PM): i'd say it has to be at least 10?

Friend (12:07:09 PM): 50,000 people work there

Friend (12:07:14 PM): in wtc

Friend (12:08:50 PM): disney world evacuated

Friend (12:09:08 PM): it seems that the country may need to be 

shut down

Friend (12:09:11 PM): as a precaution

Friend (12:09:37 PM): i can't reiterate how surreal it is to see 

nyc w/o wtc

Friend (12:15:00 PM): 92 people on board aa flt 11

DaveRing1969 (12:15:30 PM): right

Friend (12:20:02 PM): everything now starting to close in 

bos...like a snow day

Friend (12:20:52 PM): my mom left her car downtown...said 

financial district and south station were crazy

Friend (12:22:06 PM): streets of nyc look like (or worse than) 

every bit of violence you've seen in israel

Friend (12:22:45 PM): unbelievable

My Archives

As any of you who've moved in recent years can attest, we keep a lot of useless junk.  In the past few days as we've prepared to move, I've thrown away reams of receipts, tape recorders, a knee brace, a pretty ugly beer stein, and some really hideous gifts (yes even the ones that we were keeping in case the giver ever showed up at our house), and files and folders of documents that were kept in the event we ever needed to reference them.  We never did.  Ever. 

We gave away several seasons' worth of clothes and boxes of cookware and other kitchen items that we kept for that fancy dinner party we thought we'd someday host.  Closet after closet, box after box of stuff I haven't used, needed, or even seen since it was stowed.  And now I have to spend endless hours sorting through the detritus of my life.  It's gotten to the point where I have begun to loathe my material possessions more than I do that orange-faced John Boener.

And yet, amongst the boxes piled high with dust on remote closet shelves are a few hidden treasures.  I've managed to keep about ninety percent of the personal mail I've received since I was about seventeen years-old: letters, cards, wedding invitations, notes, and postcards.  I have several shoe boxes of photos, the actual printed kind that came from something called "film" from high school right up to the present digital era.  I lost a lot of valuable packing time today sifting through those photos, which as per my lackadaisical filing system were in no particular order and thus compelling for the mystery that awaited me in each sleeve of images.  

Like a time warp, I'd whisk from a summer drunkenly cavorting on the Lower Cape to the nervous time my nephew was unexpectedly born two months early to an impromptu ski trip in Aspen with three people I haven't spoken to in ages.  I was also heartened by the many photos of people I still call friends.  Randomly selecting a picture or two from each envelope was like playing "This is Your Life" only with no large television audience and no one but me interested in the details.  I showed a few pictures to my wife who indulged my affection for the life I led before we met.  She was naturally more engaged in the pictures that featured her.  There was a whole packet of photos from a holiday party of the restaurant I worked at in grad school.  I hadn't thought about some of those co-workers since, well, probably the last day I worked there.  And yet, I still couldn't bring myself to throw those pictures away.

I like to fantasize that one day some graduate student working on their dissertation will sift through all my pictures and letters and put together a story that's far more grand than the life I really led.  Or maybe some aspiring writer will comb through my belongings and find a compelling tale to write, something that will portray me in an honest - and but hopefully not too honest - light.  I imagine my son reading the notes and cards sometime after my passing and discovering sides of his dad he couldn't have begun to imagine.  And yet, I know that for all the troves of personal effects there is much that can't be put together in the way that it truly occurred.  Having lived the life reflected in those pictures and words, I don't even know all the reasons behind the sequence of events.  And we all know that our own interpretations of the Who, What, Where, Why, When, and How of life is colored by what we want to be the truth and that the truth itself is ultimately someone's interpretation anyway.

To me, the worst part of keeping all this stuff isn't the schlepping of it from city to city, the burden of its physical weight, or the hours lost in revisiting it. It's the knowledge that keeping it is ultimately something to feed my ego.  The ego exists to place you at the center of the world (a world, by the way, that is fast approaching 7 billion people - to say nothing of those come and gone and those yet to arrive).  It's only natural to want to save the mementos of life, almost as a way to prove that it all happened and that it meant something, if only to you.  But it's also so patently self-indulgent, an attribute that is easily despised, if only in others....

What will become of the archives?  Perhaps I'll sift through them again one day, perhaps in retirement, maybe even organize them chronologically.  And then I'll make flash cards so that when my memory begins to fade, I can make myself insane trying to recall why I thought it was so important to keep all this stuff in the first place.

The Little Tyrant

Dictionary.com defines a tyrant as: a sovereign or other ruler who uses power oppressively or unjustly.

That also accurately describes my son, Max.  Max turned 21 months-old a couple of weeks ago. Max has a remarkable command of English which he employs solely to command, dictate, discipline, and insult.

He is unyielding, impatient, demanding, and unreasonable.  Do I exaggerate the three-foot bullly who rules our home?  When I go to read bedtime stories he says, "Get out, daddy.  Daddy, no!"?

I don't want you to misunderstand me.  I love Max and Max loves me.  There's not even so much as a crack that separates our emotional bond.  He is still a despot of the first order, commanding us to wake no matter how little we're permitted to rest.

He booms, "I POOPY" to announce that it's time for us to go to work on him.  When he giggles, "Soupy Poopy," we know our work will be more unpleasant.

Hands and mouth both full to capacity with food, he commands us, "more, more, more."  "I want more, daddy."  "I want more, mommy."  He is never sated.

 Today he growled at me, a raspy sound coming from somewhere deep inside, so guttural, so Exorcist.  "Chocwit Milk." And if his head didn't turn all the way around, my name isn't Rumpelstiltskin

Max is the master, the commander, oppressor, and Supreme Leader.  I have to sign off now; he's insisting he watch the Wiggles sing Frere Jacques on YouTube, again.



Stay tuned.

The Chronicles, No. 2

Exciting News:  Ring Writes will soon be featuring guest essayists. It is, after all, Collective Intelligence.

______________________________________

The clock is ticking.  We move the Monday after next.  Linda and I no longer talk in weeks, but in days - as in, "Max has five more days left of day care." I've filled out the change of address card.  It's almost time to cancel cable and order it for the new place.  None of this is foreign to me; I've moved many, many times.  Since high school graduation, I've never lived in the same place longer than we've lived here:  3 years, 9 months.  For a long time I moved less than every two years. I've moved across town, across the state, across America, and across the Atlantic Ocean.  But those were moves to places like Boston, Amsterdam, Long Beach, Zürich, and New York.  I can't remember last time I moved somewhere that didn't have sidewalks.

  

Until I was 33 years-old, I made all those moves alone.  Five years ago I began to make them with Linda.  Four years ago we added two now very large cats (Lucy on the left, Tommy on the right).  This move will take our 21 month-old son, Max, from the only home he's ever known.

And the Monday after next when we leave Salem, Massachusetts for Pomfret, Connecticut we'll bring the ashes of our still born son, Leo.

***************

This move - in so many unanticipated ways - is the most substantive I've ever made.  It's true that it's a move of practicality, but it's also a move of conviction and principles. And right now, specifically because we unexpectedly lost Leo in July, it's also a move that will forever mark the beginning of a new era in our lives.  I know that losing Leo has changed me, changed us; we just don't know how much.  As this life chapter ends somberly, it does however feel auspicious that our next chapter will feature less traffic and roads and green pastures, thick woods, and rocky streams (but with the same number of Dunkin' Donuts).

A series of events in each of our lives (which I also believe are integrally, intricately, and invisibly linked to events in yours) have conspired to bring us to this moment in time.  And at this time we're to see if we can really lead the simpler life we say we want.  It's time to put our address where our mouths are.  Linda and I have talked about moving to country Connecticut for as long as we've been married.  At times we'd pretend there were other fates.  Up until a just a few months ago, we'd joke and ask each other, "Where do you want to live when you grow up?"

I recently heard a Ted Kennedy quote about the Presidency.  Kennedy said something like, "I don't care that I'm not the President.  I just care that somebody else is."  Linda and I don't care that someone else is living in Italy, Vermont, Northern California, or New York City. We just care that we can't live there, too.  But because we can't live everywhere, Connecticut here we come.

Starting tomorrow we're taking a couple days off - from packing, writing, and our concrete and brick condo.  We've been invited to go down to The Cape and with all that's happened lately, all that's going on right now, and all that's yet to pass, it just seems like good mental medicine.

I've been reading a bit about presence lately.  Being present means not being in the past.  It means not being in the future.  Now is really all you ever have.  We all have a lot to think about, but it's sad how little of it is dedicated to the now.  Sometimes when I'm running and I'm tired and I think about how far I've run and how many miles I still have to run, I repeat a little mantra, the timing of which matches my footfalls.

"There is nothing in this moment that is not right."

Stay tuned.

______________________________________

The Chronicles will continue in regular installments, as will other Ring Writes essays.  Though I've been posting almost daily, the frequency will drops off just slightly for a few weeks while we move and get settled.

The Accidental Athlete

In 1981 The University of Connecticut Mens' Soccer Team won the National Championship.  Long before UConn football and basketball were household names, soccer was a national powerhouse.  Football and basketball were after thoughts.  I was 11 years old then and basically grew up on campus.  There were NO bigger heroes than the UConn mens' soccer team.  And if you were actually from Storrs and made the team, you were the best of both worlds, a local hero.  Even today, the town of Mansfield (Storrs is a village of Mansfield) runs a first rate recreation program that feeds athletes right up to the high school level and beyond.  I was not fed up the chain.  I was not to be one of those local heroes.

Like many boys and girls I joined town sports leagues.  They handed me a bat and a ball and a glove.  I knew what I was to do with each.  But when it came to doing any, let alone at the same time, I proved  - let's be kind - ineffective.  I swung wildly, early, late, high, low, erratically, and often.   I rarely made it to on base and if I did it was because I got beaned by someone who pitched worse than I.   On base, I'd try to run, but I was never sure what I was supposed to be paying attention to; my timing was, shall we say, off.  As a fielder, I remember distinctly catching a pop fly with my forehead. Playing defense required things like speed, agility, and something called arm strength.  Before long I was consistently playing right field.  As youth baseball coaches across the world know, right field is where you put your worst player.  There just aren't many power lefty tykes or kid righties hitting the opposite way.  I rarely saw a play.  I did though incur the ire of teammates and fans when a that was ball hit my way went unnoticed because I was looking for four leaf clovers.

Season by season I played every town sport.  I tied my legs in knots playing soccer, tripping on the ball, players, and my own two feet.  In basketball, the lay-up was a shot I'd make 1 in 10 times.  The further away from the basket, the more likely I'd miss the backboard, to say nothing of the rim or the bottom of the net.  The concept of dribbling, passing, shooting, and retaining possession of the ball was straightforward.  My execution was anything but.  There wasn't a player on either team who wanted me to have the ball.

I think the only reason I am probably still alive today is because our town was so small it didn't have a football team then.

If you wanted to win you DID NOT want me on your team.  I heard all the names and they were all pretty accurate.  Goof, Klutz, Spaz, Dork, Retard.  My eyeglasses (usually taped together) didn't help the 'more creative' name callers.  "Four-eyed Spaz Attack."  "Blind Retard Ring-a-Ling-a-Ding-Bat."  Ironically, my social life didn't suffer.  Indeed I was well-regarded and had many friends.  I was fun and best of all I was funny.  I might not have been an agile athlete, but my I had a quick wit.  Still it was not enough to keep these same friends from necessarily leaving me the last person standing when captains chose the teams.

As if it wasn't hard enough for me to control my appendages, puberty (coming seemingly years after all my friends) brought on a monster growth spurt.  I grew nearly a half a foot in three months. Even in that brief time, classmates who I saw in the summer didn't recognize me by fall.  My feet seemed miles from my hips and hands that rarely acted in concert were no longer even in the same time zone.  I tripped over my feet,  stumbling over curbs, rocks, and even the plain old flat floor.  And I would have been the first one to tell you how funny it was.  I played the goofball better than its inventor.  This all might sound like the laments of an unhappy childhood, it most surely is not.  There were painful times to be sure - several ball/foot/knee to the groin moments.  Believe me, I wanted to be more coordinated.  And to this day I wish my parents had passed down more athletic genes.   Luckily, they blessed me by giving me a terrific sense of humor.

It wasn't that I didn't want to play these sports, it was just that I wasn't really able to.  At least not at the same pace as my more agile peers.  They could control their bodies in ways that I had (have?) yet to discover.  I wasn't in aerobic shape to run, winded within a half-mile.  By the time I'd reached high school the town recreational mill had turn me into grist.  But I still wanted to play sports.

I realized that I needed a simpler sport or at least one with less variables.  I was on the golf team in high school.  There were no try-outs and there were no cuts.  I never played a single competitive match, but I got to play nine holes for free every day after school.  I had to run to keep up with my teammates as it took me usually twice as many strokes to play each hole.  Luckily hitting 80 shots over 9 holes allowed me to practice my stroke at double the rate of my fellow golfers.  I never got to be a good golfer, so I focused instead on having a good, if unathletic, time. Eventually the repetition improved my stroke, marginally.  At last, here was a sport I could almost play!  The ball sat still.  It wasn't being thrown or hit at me and there weren't other golfers trying to hit it at the same time.  It was a start.

In college I willed myself to become an oarsman.  Learning how to row - learning the stroke, getting in shape for the very first time of my life, and waking up that early in the morning  - was the most significant life change I'd ever made.  And again it was the repetitive nature of the stroke that allowed me to persist (and there were no cuts).  With the oar locked in position, my feet literally strapped in to a fixed footboard, and my butt planted it a rolling seat, I have few variables to consider.  These was a skill I could master.  But I was still weaker than to most of my teammates.  And that weakness resulted in me catching a boat stopping crab* at the Dad Vail National Championships in 1988, still the worst and most painful moment of my athletic career.  Getting in shape took me the better part of four years and by my senior year through (choose one) twists of fate, Providence, destiny, hard-work, good coaching, or coincidence,  I found myself sitting in 5-seat of the 1991 New England Heavyweight Mens' Championship boat, a boat that finished a heartbreaking 4th in our division's National Championship.

Since college and to this day, I have been a runner (another repetitive sport!).  There have been periods in my life when I've taken as much as years off from the sport, but it pulls me back.  And running consistently all these years has to a slight degree improved my overall agility.  Today, I can play a friendly game of volleyball, whiffle ball, or even basketball with little if any personal injuries sustained or inflicted.  But if it turns into a contest, you still don't want me on your team.  Unless you're 8.  If you're 8, I am going to be your second or third best player.





*Crab 

A rowing error where the rower is unable to timely remove or release the oar blade from the water and the oar blade acts as a brake on the boat until it is removed from the water. This results in slowing the boat down. A severe crab can even eject a rower out of the shell or make the boat capsize (unlikely except in small boats). Occasionally, in a severe crab, the oar handle will knock the rower flat and end up behind him/her, in which case it is referred to as an 'over-the-head crab.'